San Francisco: Phoneless but not homeless.

My trip to San Francisco was nothing like the film “The Princess Diaries.” Instead of finding out I was heir to a country, I got my iPhone stolen, almost got into a girl fight, and woke up in a motel.

I’m making it sound like I didn’t have fun, but let me say, it might have been one of the best sorority posse adventures ever.

Night 1: Marin County

Went to the Silver Peso. The bar was…. eclectic. It had strong vodka tonics, and also places to sit. Perfect. The bar is also shaped in a rectangle so there was great people-watching at all angles. What was not perfect was the loser bartender.

I ordered my usual VT (vodka tonic). It was $3.00. Great!


I never have cash. Ever. The ATM and I are not on good terms since I left my credit card there, and the machine ate it. Meaning someone stole it. But because I had babysitted/ babysat however you say it, I had cash.

I was engrossed in conversation with my friend Jen when the bartender placed my drink in front of me.

1 minute after he had placed the drink on the table (I had not even taken a sip of it) the loser bartender comes over, takes my drink, throws it in the sink (in front of everyone), and says, “next time, tip your bartender better” and throws my money back at me.

If only someone could have taken a picture of Jen’s and my faces. Jaws to the floor. Apparently this bartender throws people out of this bar if someone doesn’t tip him. I was the definition of WTFE after that.

Night 2: San Francisco

Roamed around The Embarcadero and stopped for an afternoon glass of wine.


Thank God we were all a little intoxicated because I would be worried for myself if I had to walk in to our motel sober.

Just kidding it wasn’t that bad………….

 Anyway, our room wasn’t ready so we decided to roam the street we would later go to: Union street. We stopped to glance at Bar None, in case we wouldn’t remember it in the morning.

Somehow we ended up drinking at 5 pm with these random SF locals.

One of them was quite the character. Ross was the leader of the pack with his Northface vest and baby blue polo shirt. It was an odd outfit, but memorable since we ran into him later…

That's how the painting was when we walked in.

We went to Bar None and things were fab.

 But then the unthinkable happened.

My precious iPhone was missing.

Frantic, I started running up to people, accusing them of stealing my beloved phone. Two others in the posse, Katie L. and Ashley, realized theirs had been stolen too.

I wanted to jump off this after my iPhone was stolen.

            It was the worst feeling ever.

Desperate, I went up to a cop to ask if there was anything I could do to get it back. The cop was more interested in talking to Katie than he was in locating my phone.


            In complete disarray, Alyssa, Katie, Kimmy and me all walked to Pizza Orgasmica. Lucky us, there was quite a long line. We had gone back to the motel and changed into our Uggs and sweaters, we looked so demure and innocent.

 Kimmy and Alyssa thought it would be a good idea to cut in line as soon as we got there. There were about 5 girls in front of us who looked about 24-25.

            “Don’t try and fucking cut us.”

Snappy, right?

These girls were hungry. I think I just needed to take out my aggression on someone after the loss of my Iphone so I refuted with “Well don’t be so fucking rude. Who the f*** do you think you are?”

Totally inappropriate, shouldn’t have said anything.

Why? Why, did I say that????Then it got bad because Katie and Kimmy, who are apparently thugs, came right back. I decided to leave out what Kimmy and Katie said because it may harm their reputation. Here’s a snippit.

Setting: Pizza Orgasmica

There was an extremely tall girl who was dressed in going-out apparel. We were all in Uggs in sweaters  (so innocent.)

Kimmy: why don’t you take off your heels and f***** talk to me.

Tall girl: I’m not wearing f****** heels

Kimmy: Yeah, because you’re a f****** giant

Tall girl: Yeah, and I’ll F******* stomp on you.

While this is going down, out of nowhere Ross arrives. He tried to be the peacemaker but things were already boiling over. One push from someone, and it might have been a Mike Tyson situation.

Anyway, Ross bought our $30 pizza and we pranced home like wild hyenas.

Day 3: Danville

Woke up phoneless. I spent the morning in Motel Capri’s lobby trying to figure out how to get my phone back. Woof.

I don't blame the cop for not believing us...

Long story short I tracked my iPhone and had the foolish idea that I would call the police, get in the car with the officer, drive to the location, and retrieve my phone. Basically the officer didn’t care and when he arrived and took one glance at our room… the vomit 3 doors down (not ours), and well, my overall appearance, he assumed I was some drunk girl and had misplaced it.

the one. the only.

Frustrated, Katie and I tried to explain that all three of us had our iPhone’s stolen at the same time. “Well, don’t you think it’s kind  of strange that all three of you lost your Iphone’s at the same time?”  I guess the concept that we had all been pickpocketed in the same bar was inconceivable to him.

phone less but not homeless. Just looking it.

Grabbed Starbs, and drove to Danville. Had lots of salami, brie, and wine. Perfect cure for the phoneless. Then went to the Danville bar Meaners for a few VT’s and a game of pool.

My trip ended the way it always does:

Setting: Car with Carms driving back from LAX

Carms: did you drink on the plane

Me: maybe

Carms: well how many did you have, I can smell the alcohol.

Me: 2 glasses of chardonnay.

Happy new year.